i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
