I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
