watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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