So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
