I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
