Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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