You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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