If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
