Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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