Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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