So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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