My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
