What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
