The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
