Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize