we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
