Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
