my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just had sex on a roof
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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