he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
