I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
