3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize