you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
