Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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