You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
