Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
