Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
should my penis look like a turkey
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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