did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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