i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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