i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize