Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
