I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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