I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
