You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
