Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
