i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
