Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
