Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
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