Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
