so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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