I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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