There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You made out with two different species that night
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize