you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
