hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
