I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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