come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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