Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So squirting runs in the family.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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