dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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