I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
