Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
