We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize