He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
