I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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