How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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