Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize