I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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