You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
