Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
