My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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