Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
