Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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