my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
